So, you saw the title of this post. You kinda have an idea what I'm gonna talk about.
It's been almost three years since my bff, Lizzy, and I started to write in a journal daily and share it on a page on google docs. There are so many perks and so many cons to journaling. A huge perk is that you get to write about all the good things that are happening in your life and everything you're struggling with. It's the best way to get everything out! BUTTTTTTT on the other hand, I reread my struggles sometimes and I feel the pain all over again.
This happened yesterday.
I was rereading my first few entries of 2016 and wondering how the heck I survived (okay, that was super intense. I may have over exaggerated that a little bit). But for real! A girl stressed about picking a college, her senior year, friends, and having some serious boy drama on top of it all, my entries were extremely sad and frustrated. I don't blame me either! Even early 2016 Ella knew it could have been worse, but I really was convinced that it would be centuries before I was "okay" again.
I dealt with the trial I was going through early in 2016 for months, and now looking back, it feels years away. I realized the other day that now I am in such a better place than I was a year ago! Which is so weird to me with all that is going on! Why? Cause I've been living in Trampis and I's house alone for over a week and a half. I don't have a bff here in La Grande and with all the change, I hardly talk to my old friends anymore. My job can stress me out sometimes. School is just around the corner. A year ago I was surrounded by friends, job free, living with my family with seemingly no worries (besides that trial I'm talking about).
I'm not sure why I am so much stronger than I was a year ago. It may have something to do with the fact that I spend a lot of time with the missionaries for my church, and emailing my friends who are on missions. Maybe God is giving me this strength. Actually? I know he is. He is giving me strength and a better sense of myself. I'm comfortable being alone, writing, reading, I'm okay with loneliness. Because I'm not alone. He is with me.
Alright. Let's talk about the future, now.
I've never been a stickler for "new years resolutions". In the past I only made them up when people asked. Each new year didn't really seem different to me and I was usually okay with where I was, so why make commitments to change?
This year is different. I'm going to make some commitments, or try to at least, to make good better. I hope that when the clock strikes midnight and it suddenly becomes 2018, I can say "wow! I'm in such a better place than I was at the beginning of 2017".
Here we gooooooo.
1. Scripture reading. I was so good at this at the start of the school year and have since dwindled. I'm going to try to read a little everyday. Not too much, I gotta start with those baby steps.
2. Prayer. More prayer! Heavenly father wants to be my best friend and I want to go to him before I go to anyone else with my happiness or problems!
3. Start my essays at least 4 days before they are due (unless they are assigned 3 days before or something, then I will start them the day they are assigned). I killed myself last term with writing essays in the last second. Especially since I'm going to be majoring in History and minoring in English (SO MANY ESSAYS) I must make this a habit.
4. Be more cheerful in the work place I need a better attitude when things get hard, at work or somewhere else!
5. Read at least one book a month. This shouldn't be too difficult, should it? If I read more, than great!! But ONE A MONTH!
So lets recap: God gives us strength in times of need. He sometimes strengthens us and we don't even realize it's happening (in my case, when he strengthened me little by little over the past year).
Trials pass!! I can't express this enough. We may think "I'm never going to be okay again" and sometimes it takes a longgggg time. That trial that I talked about? I still think about it and I am still effected but strength isn't being completely okay. Strength is remembering a hurtful memory and realizing the good that came because of it, and then letting it go. Not letting it consume you.
It's a good thing to continue to try to make okay good and make good better! And along the way, thank your God for everything you have and everything you hope to have.
Hey, you! Thank you for reading. I hope you found strength in this post. If you ever need someone to talk to, you know where to find me.
Signing off until next time,
Ella Frances Waite
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